He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
