Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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