i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
