a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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