My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
two words...techno handjob
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize