well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
