apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
