Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
