took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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