My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
