Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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