A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
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