Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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