if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
