I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
