the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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