I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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