So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
