Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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