Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
