What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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