Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Randomize
