i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
