my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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