Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
