Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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