Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
