I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
