Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Randomize
