My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize