Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
