i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
