Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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