I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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