my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
