You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I am one with the molecules
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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