Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
