Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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