Moan for me like Helen Keller
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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