When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
We are all done wearing pants today
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
