my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
