Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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