I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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