i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize