you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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