don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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