im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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