So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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