Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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