This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
