why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I got inside last night via doggy door
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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