I can't breathe out the right side of my face
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
