So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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