New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
