i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
