I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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