So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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