he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
