This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
